I wish I had done a better job, not because you are somehow lacking or there is something wrong with you, but because I wanted to do the very best I could, and I feel I fell short, in some ways, not all. I tried to achieve the best at everything I could, but we each know there were times when I was far from perfect, and sometimes I did not respond correctly to situations that were less significant than I might have thought.
By falling short of my own expectations, I failed to exercise the best, or most appropriate, parenting skills, no matter how much I wanted to do so. We are all prone to err, and I certainly proved how “human” I am, by erring more than I cared to, more frequently than I thought I would. I started on this adventure, raising and teaching my sons the intricacies of life, with all the enthusiasm any parent feels.
Like any other parent, I wanted to do my best, to avoid the mistakes my own parents had made and do a much better job of what has to be the most difficult and most fun task any human ever takes on. I know I did not do a “bad” job, because you have both grown into fine young men, intelligent and capable, mannered and considerate, most of the time, and the absolute joy of my life. Nothing else I have ever done compares to the happiness I feel, being your father.
I understand at last, what my own father told me, about being dissatisfied with most of the world, and having children, that he could educate and guide to be type of person he would prefer there were more of in the world. Sort of an attempt to improve the world one person at a time. It took me a while to understand it, but once I looked into your faces, at the moment you came into the world, I understood fully, without any doubt or equivocation.
I accepted the responsibility of being your father, as my duty, a duty both pleasant and exciting, even as much as it was demanding and stressful. I never looked back, or regretted for a moment this new obligation. I was happy and felt fulfilled, in a way I couldn’t explain beyond the fact I was a “father”.
Suddenly, I knew everything I had “thought” about how to raise children was going to meet the test of reality. Did it ever! I had to learn, and unlearn, a lot of different things, some in only a few minutes, some over time. I tried to do my best, and keep those “ideas”, the things about raising kids I had believed so very important, on hand, and use them as situations arose, where they would be appropriate. I
t’s kind of like the old skit on TV, where a guy would have a bunch of plates spinning, and he would add new plates, set them spinning and keep the others going, too. Sometimes I felt like I was that guy, trying to keep a zillion plates spinning, without letting one stop and fall to the floor, to break. It was at times like that, when I would do some stupid things, not thinking clearly, because I was focusing on all the plates I had spinning.
I don’t mean to make excuses for my errors, only try to put them into perspective, so you don’t think I just blew it. I did do that, too, at times; I might have been tired, or angry with someone else, or any of a thousand reasons (excuses) for why I was not responding in the correct manner, at the appropriate time. Those times were my “human” periods, some more human than others, no doubt.
I wish I could go back to some of them, and redo what I should have done at the time, but “do-over’s” are not part of our reality. You get your chance and you do your best, and you are judged for how well everything turned out, in the end. I am sorry, truly sorry, for the things I did poorly, for the times I wasn’t the best dad I could be, for those times I let you down. If there was a way to go back, I would already be gone, to do over what I didn’t do right. Sadly, that isn’t the way things work and we all have to live with the reality of what actually happened, good, bad or indifferent.
I want you to know I always tried to do my best, I always accepted that I was responsible, but I didn’t always succeed. Sometimes, I was as “bad” a dad, as my own father was, something I now realize I have in common with him, as you may one day have in common with me and your own children. I suppose it is an inescapable reality all humans share, at the very core of who we are, each of us. There are those who fail miserably at being parents, some who fail at being human, on any level, who do despicable things to their children.
I do not include them in any way; only those who are concerned and make the effort to be a decent and caring parent are included in the group I refer to, when I say, we all try and fail in some way, but in trying and failing, the human race moves on, adjusts to the constant changes time imposes on us, as we make our way through the years, from infant to adult, from child to parent, a journey repeated over and again, down through the years, from our ancestors to your children, and theirs.
I wish you well on your own journey, you carry my hopes and my prayers for a safe and happy journey, one that takes you where you want to go, takes you as far as you want, and gives you all the happiness your heart desires. However well I fulfilled my role as father, you will go on and at some point, have the opportunity to outdo me, to do a better job, as I tried to do better than my father, and he certainly tried to do better than his.
I wish you well, I wish you the wisdom of Solomon as you attempt to settle disputes and devise the best path to teach your children all they must know to survive and prosper in this world, in whatever condition it may be, at the time. I know you will do well, because in you is a seed I planted, that came from my father, and that you will pass on to your own children, the best of we have passed this way, to those who come next.
I love you and treasure the times we have spent with one another, as I know you will love your own. Go with God, and trust your instincts, for you know who you are, inside. You know where you are going, even when you have no idea where you are. Look inside and aim your steps in the direction of what you want. Nothing can keep you from achieving your goal, without your participation, so always be your own best cheerleader, always believe in yourself.
Keep to the right path, do not take shortcuts that will end you in places you do not want to be, and remember always, “Misery loves company”, so misery will do its best to get you to go along. You know better, and you are not swayed by the voices of mediocrity, who would keep you down, when you can have what you want.
Remember always, the words I taught you, from the earliest times, “I am, I can, Ido, I do the best I can, every chance I get.” I have repeated these words to you, so they are etched in your memory. All you need do is call one them, and believe in yourself, and you will be able to make your world what you want it to be.
