Questions, but not answers...

I'm somewhat confused about spirituality...I cannot grasp how God can let so many suffer.... innocents, children, and those unable to control their circumstances...and let so many escape any apparent punishment. I know I am supposed to accept this on faith, but it bothers me intensely to hear of child abuse, or of a woman killed by an abusive spouse/lover who completely disregarded a restraining order, or some young woman who disappeared on her way home, or I could go on for hours....

We have the Scott Peterson trial going on, his parents were on the other day, pleading for the jury to not sentence him to death, and I am torn, as a parent knowing the agony such a situation would cause, and as a feeling human being, disgusted that someone could do something so vile, and think he should go on breathing air. I am not God, so it is not up to me and I have no idea what I would decide, nor am I part of the jury, so I do not have to confront such a terrible choice. The famines in Africa, in the past few years, the atrocities in Bosnia a few years back, in Somalia before that, and the horrible destitution in Bangla Desh and other places over our lifetimes brings tears to my heart, anger that the world, otherwise so beautiful, is so fraught with suffering, and confusion to my mind, that some live lives of excessive luxury, while others struggle to survive in the most meager way possible.

There are missionaries who live alongside those who suffer and then there are televangelists who fly on private jets, live in mansions, and berate their "congregations" to give more, MORE, M-O-R-E! I am unable to comprehend how those people can claim to speak for God. I have enough trouble understanding how He can forgive me my own picayune sins, much less those. Of course, He is far more magnanimous than I am, far more understanding and forgiving. So I have to leave the decisions to Him, and try not to let it bother me. It is hard. I am NOT perfect. And each time I hear/see/read of some new atrocity, I am further challenged. I remind myself it is not for me to judge, but my heart cries. I cannot even begin to imagine the oceans of tears He has shed over mankind's folly and meanness.

So, I try to be the best me I am capable of, and I try to refrain from being too "human". It's a daily ritual, requiring all my best efforts, an ongoing challenge, each day bringing tests on personal, social, national and world-wide level....called "life", in the "world", and the earnest hope of all who are not dead inside is that this is not all there is. By and large, this is a wonderful place to live, but there is a LOT of room for improvement, although it sometimes seems like an uphill struggle.

I don't have the answers to the questions I pose, I'm not even sure they are the right questions, but I believe fully in the concept of "free will", and I choose to exercise my free will in a manner I can be proud of, as best as I can. I can't do much to stop those intent on making the world a toilet, except to stand against that behavior whenever I have the opportunity, and to raise my sons to be decent, honorable men. Perhaps it's like being the little Dutch boy, with a finger in the dike, but if I don't, who will?

On the other hand, I don't identify well with those who claim to be Christian, but use it as an excuse to control others, to limit what people can do, see, read or think. I believe God is much stronger than any book, any act, any movie, any song, any THING. Those who say books "threaten" Him, do not believe in Him, in my own opinion. I don't agree with abortion, personally, but I would rather that than for the infant to end up in a dumpster, or a bathroom, or horribly abused.....or for it to be subject to a lesser life as a "crack" baby, or deformed and doomed to a life in a chair or a bed. It would not be my decision to terminate such a life, but I cannot condemn those who would...it is not up to me.

There are many things in the world I would change, given the choice, racism, sexism, game-playing whether sexual or about power, greed, blind political beliefs, religious fanaticism of any variety, etc, etc, but none of this is up to me.  I am my brother's keeper, yes, but not his parent, so I struggle to rein in my own prejudices, biases and perceptions, to keep an eye on my own path, and to try, within that strict limit, to influence others by my actions and my words, not by force or coercion. I am by no means perfect, my own flaws sometimes threaten to overwhelm my sense of self, but I keep on in the belief that He is as forgiving as I have always been told he is, and inthe hope that I can improve over time. So far, I haven't committed any sin too large to destroy that core of my belief in myself. I have no idea how others do it, sometimes I wonder.

Well, this has gone on farther than I would have thought. I feel strongly about this subject; I have a lot of questions and only a few answers. I must keep on, because the choice is to disappoint Him further. I guess that makes me a "survivor", too. I know it makes me an optimist, for who else could believe there is something worth waiting around for? LOL Part of that comes from the period we came of age in, the Summer of Love, the "hippie" era, the decade of free love, free speech, VietNam, and race riots...a time of change, of personal growth, a time like few others in history. "All you need is love" wasn't just a cute phrase for a song, it was a comment on man's age-old quandary about the separateness of self and the need for community...for overcoming the aloneness of ourselves and creating something at once bigger and more lasting. Perhaps the "evil that men do" comes from that same source: the fear of being alone, the need to defy the fear, like whistling past the graveyard. I do not know...as I said, I do not understand how anyone can murder, rape, torture, sell dangerous drugs, condemn, or committ any of the many anti-human, inhuman acts committed in staggering numbers each and every day, with casual disregard for the rights of others.

That's my story, I'm sticking to it.